Alleee and Franc's
INSOLITOLOGY

Back to the front page

how to survive the Rapture



To a Christian, the Rapture is great. You get to be whisked off to Heaven and live forever... or whatever. That's all good and well. But what about those of us who will be "left behind" ? How can we survive the "tribulations" that await us in our future Biblical nightmare ?

To answer these vital questions, we give you this guide to surviving the Rapture, as explained by the web site Rapture Ready. Prepare your survivalist kit !

The Post Rapture Survival Guide



1. Signs that the Rapture is coming

First, you must be aware that the Rapture will only happen when a certain convergence of events happens, as directed by Satan and his plan for planetary corruption. Here are the signs that the end is soon at hand :
  • A man - the anti-christ - must arise to unite the world as a dictator. This may be Bill Gates, Muammar Gaddafi, Mikhail Gorbachev, King Jaun Carlos, Prince Charles, Vladimar Putin, Saddam Hussein, Uday Hussein, Yasser Arafat or Tony Blair, but the smart money is on Kofi Annan.

  • Apparently there will be the destruction of marriage and also civil wars. Actually that was kinda worse in the 18th century. I don't think they've been following history. Also, the anti-christ will be probably gay. I think it's terrible that the gossip has already started about the anti-christ, give him a break guys ! He's not even in office yet !

  • Huge multi-national companies and oppressed workers. Yea, that's so much worse than during the last century. Also, watch out for that mark of the beast ! Refuse the mark ! Sure, you'll be brutally killed by the government, but you'll SAVE YOUR SOUL.

  • We should see "increasing earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, drought, lightning storms and unusual atmospheric phenomena". How unusual are we talking about here ? Does El Nino count ? (actually it does, as we will see)

  • They also quote Matthew 24 as saying that Jesus predicted all sorts of wars and catastrophies before the Rapture, but I don't think they read the passage very well. It says that these things always happen, not that they are exceptional. Wait, I was expecting logic, never mind.

The Rapture will take place "in the twinkling of an eye". It seems simple, but this has consequences which have never been fully explored by Christians. If their brethen might dissapear immediately at any time, then they should be barred from a number of jobs. Airplane pilots, for one. How about supervisors at nuclear plants ? How about those guys who put the caramel in the Caramilk ? If they dissapear, who will replace them ? Anyone who believes in the Rapture should encourage discrimination against his breathen or sistren.

Logical breaches aside, it always amazes me how Rapture people claim that the world will disbelieve the event being due to the Rapture, and that there will be a cover-up.

The world's leaders will declare that there was no rapture, that a mass hysteria took place, and the news media will follow the party line. Then to make things easier, shortly after the rapture, one-fourth of the world's population will be decimated due to wars, famine and plague. Those who were raptured will be counted among the dead.

Let me get this straight. ONE BILLION PEOPLE - ONE SEVENTH OF THE WORLD POPULATION - DISSAPEAR INTO THIN AIR... AND EVERYONE WILL JUST BELIEVE IT WAS A MASS HYSTERIA ?

Then they're going to kill ONE AND A HALF BILLION PEOPLE MORE ? AND THEN PRETEND THAT GEE, THERE ARE 1 BILLION MORE DEAD THAT IT LOOKS LIKE, EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE ALL RAPTURED INSTANTLY ? WHAT ? HELLO ?

I read an awful lot of stupid things every day for the sake of Insolitology, but REALLY. There has to be a prize for this level of stupidity. There are so many things wrong with this scenario that ranting about it would be a futility.

Anyway, you wonder, is there a better way to know when the end is coming ? After all, all these signs are fairly vague. But do not despair !

Rapture Index

The Rapture Index is somewhat well-known. It is an index maintained by Rapture Ready which measures the level of activity in various categories such as "False Christs", "Satanism", "Supernatural", "Ecumenism", "Gog (Russia)" or "Beast Government". Ratings go from 1 to 5 in each category, depending on daily events. Scores go anywhere from 60 to 180, with a historical minimum of 57 and maximum of 182.

As I write today (12/10/2002), the rating is 172, which is very high. And yes, El Nino is there, affecting the "Climate" category. Still no end of the world in sight, with or without El Nino.

Oops, I Guess I Wasn't Ready !



2. How to be saved

Do not despair : you can still be whisked away, IF you do not take the Mark. Very important !

Depending on how early you read this article, you may have heard people say, "Because we've missed the rapture, we are lost forever." That assumption is totally wrong! The only way you can find yourself eternally lost is by receiving the Mark of the Beast on your right hand or forehead. Barring that, as long as you have breath in your lungs, you can gain salvation by trusting in Jesus Christ as your Savior.

Apparently there are four things you must do to be saved : accept Jesus, change your attitude, only obey the Bible, disobeying Christian leaders, and martyrdom.

The situation is pretty simple. Everyone "good" has already been raptured, so everyone else is evil. The One World Government under the anti-christ is well in its way. You can't trust anyone except Jesus. All Christians will eventually be put to death. Pretty dramatic huh ? Now you see why the "Left Behind" series are so popular.

You could say heaven is much like the "clean rooms" where computer companies make their microchips, and sin is like any dust or dirt that might try to find its way into one of those rooms.

The manufacturing process for microchips requires "clean rooms" to be absolutely spotless, having virtually zero free-floating dust or dirt particles that could damage the delicate microchips.

Because humans are naturally contaminated with all kinds of dirt and dust particles, whenever workers enter one of these "clean rooms," they need to wear a special suit that prevents them from giving off particles.

To prevent heaven from becoming contaminated with sin particles, God has long set the requirement that anyone desiring to enter into His untarnished dwelling place needs to be covered by the blood of Jesus.

The sin decontamination process is very simple - you simply ask Jesus Christ, the Son of God, for it. First, admit your sinful state. Next, ask Jesus to forgive you of your wrongdoings. Finally, make Jesus Christ Lord of your life by surrending your will to Him.


I didn't know blood was sterile ! I know urine is sterile, but I guess having Jesus piss on you isn't as fancy.


3. Other things to watch for

The Tribulation should last 7 years. Watch for a number of things included in Revelations and Daniel, including :
  • The sun will be blackened and the moon will turn red (by an hyperactive angel with crayons ?).

  • Two Jewish prophets will preach the Gospel and get killed in the middle of the tribulation (get their autograph if possible).

  • Two meteors will burn up 1/3 of the earth and cause the sea to become like blood. That's some weird meteors. A star will fall from the sky, which will make everyone wonder how a star can be so small, and how come we never saw it before.

  • The day on Earth will be reduced to 16 hours, in accordance with Gene Ray's Time Cube clock.

  • Mankind will be attacked by anthropomorphic locusts and 200 million horse-like creatures. They will all be defeated by the laws of biology.

  • Thee final battle will oppose all the armies of Earth to God, but the big guy will crush the armies with giant rocks and a great earthquake. Then, look out for the return of Jesus Christ Superstar. He should be the one with the sword in his mouth.


And whatever you do, DON'T TAKE THE MARK !


review written by Franc, 10/2002.

Back to the front page