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Bet you didn't know there were magical computer programs.
Or should that be magikal? You see, the SpellKaster program is so magical that it can't even be spelled logically. Luckily, this program's website ("UNLOCK THE SECRET OF WEALTH, HAPPINESS, HEALTH, LOVE OR USE IT FOR REVENGE"!) is only one page, so I'll just comment on the entire thing as it goes. Sometimes, I have to convince myself that I'm not making this shit up.
The first thing we notice is that a crappy midi plays when you load the ad, even when you have your browser's "play sounds" setting off. Yeah, that's a good way to make a first impression.
Anyway, are you surprised that it reads like a spam message? The software is copyrighted by "EMG", which - unfortunately - is short for "Easy Money Guaranteed". Yes, they have magic programs that can generate wealth with a mouse click, yet they're still resorting to the same "let me make you a useless website and you have to make money by spamming it to EVERYONE" scam that zillions of other spammers use. Don't you love looking at a worthless product and deducing within all of three seconds that its creator doesn't even use it?
Is there any reason "Thousands of Dollars" is capitalized? Oh, right, it's probably the half-assed god of SpellKaster's programmer.
Anyway, what the hell is "radionic energy"? Amazingly, dictionary.com left me with no answers, and all the websites I found about it also talked about such luminous topics as "active talismans" and "remote mind control software" and "FDA UltraMK MIRACLE 6", so I can only presume that "radionic energy" is simply an obscure synonym for "bullshit".
Luckily, I was to soon learn differ - oh, wait, I wasn't.
Hooray! So radionic energy is just like the Force! And it can be generated and manipulated by nutcases who take the Alex Chiu route of believing that ALL THINGS can be accomplished through the right "frequency"!
Given how well Windows works, I don't know if I'd want any software that can manipulate the energy of "all living things". What if it got buggy or crashed? Instead of the Blue Screen of Death, it'd start modulating bad luck energy, and then you'd get the Stupid Dreams of Death, grow ass crack hair, and have your chick leave you for another woman. And then you'd have to pay $100 for Alex Chiu's "Immortality Device" magnet bracelets to get de-modulated or something.
But hey, it's nice to know that even though this is powerful energy, it still won't work if you "don't understand why". That would be so cool if you could use sheer ignorance to mute other powerful forces, like gravity or fire or kinetic energy. Airlines and fire departments could just hire on a bunch of retards, and there would be no need for expensive plane engines, firetrucks, or all that life risking. And you could empty firearms on infants all day and they'd just laugh it off (you'd think the loud gunshots would scare them, but they don't understand sound waves either, so to hell with that, too). Leave it to the minds who invented "radionic energy" to accidentally postulate a universe where the target audience for Adam Sandler films would be gravity-defying and invulnerable.
There's something oxymoronic about having a "scientific spell", but I just can't put my finger on it. Oh, right. It's because they haven't actually sat down and run experiments with this. They'd probably need to get two twins who live exactly the same life. Can you imagine?
"Okay, #2, we've been running the Misery Spell on you for about a week now. Do you feel more or less lucky than your sister?"
"How the hell is this program supposed to work again?"
"Oh, goddammit! I told you you need to believe in it for it to work, now we have to start over!"
"But...if you tell me how it works and what you're doing, the placebo effect might kick in. I might start imagining everything good or bad that happens to me is because of the program, whether it is or not."
Oh, wow, seven! And more!
Yeah, that's just what I need, something that will make me more likely to be able to sit through an episode of American Idol.
But cool, a high-tech shaman! I wonder if it'll have any primitive religious stuff for me while it's raising my patience.
I wonder how SpellKaster knows who people are. Presumably, you type in their name.
"Hey, Bob, let's go to that Avril Lavigne concert!"
"No way, dude! I couldn't sit through that."
"Oh, yeah?" (type type click!)
"That won't work. From now on, my name is Stuntcock. But feel free to invite all the other people named 'Bob' that you're patience-ing up now."
"Dammit! Okay, 'Stuntcock'..." (type type click!)
"Nah, my name is Stretched Rubber now. I can keep this up all night, dude."
"ARGH! The program backfired!"
So basically, this one is like a date rape drug, only it won't work without a computer. Yeah, that's useful.
Would it be too pedantic to point out that lightning is, in reality - where I shouldn't be seeing crap like this - much faster than even a marathon runner on overdrive? No, of course it wouldn't.
Just make sure you first explain to your enemies how radionic energy works so they'll be affected by it!
Or you could skip that and simply enter their email addresses into a dozen porn sites and watch them drown in spam, all while you're submitting their website to Something Awful's Awful Link of the Day over and over until they finally do it and your enemy is wracked with horrific bandwidth charges. Guess which approach doesn't require the "universal power" of a powerful bullshit generator?
You know, it's not like I have an English degree, but I always thought that "cutting" your odds of winning the lottery would be a bad thing. (Not that it really matters. If you're "lucky" enough to buy this program, you'd have better odds of getting hit by lightning and then successfully suing God.)
But what's this? People are making money running this program for others? You mean the Wealth Spell (below) isn't getting them enough money on its own?
Yeah, giving an ethereal torture program to people who are stupid enough to buy software from someone who is charging money to sell "money-generating" programs. That's a bright move.
But hey, at least Thousands Of Dollars' little brother Hundreds Of Dollars makes an appearance here. That always brightens up my day.
Wow, how does it know how to get the money to me? Do I have to type in the name of my bank account, too?
I'm not even going to bother making fun of the completely undocumented claim of a woman using it to make money on eBay. I mean, I could say right now that there's some guy who ran it and then his testicles shrank and he accidentally became the next Time Cube guy. So far it'd simply be my word against theirs.
The worst part is that I can actually imagine they want you to literally believe there's a real Genie in this program. Maybe it'll be Shaq's character from Kazaam and he'll whine "Hey, this isn't a Shaqdrive, asshole!"
Yeah, I'm sure the good people at www.easymoneyguaranteed.com have an awesome R&D division set up. And I have absolutely no doubt that, after developing that wondrous Radionic Technology, they managed to sneak it into my computer so the powerful bullshit generator program would have something to work with. (Seriously, is it even possible for anyone, anywhere to believe that even if a new kind of energy was discovered, the components that can manipulate it are already in every Windows-running computer?)
Even if this weren't total bullshit, I'd still be amazed at the idiocy of someone who needs an "idea guide" for a program where all you do is input people's names and click a button.
"Okay, the Retribution Spell. Huh...the idea guide says not to put the names of anyone I like there. Oh, man, I totally would have done that, good thing I read this. And it also says if I get bored with just clicking, I can try clicking a bunch of times to the rhythm of the Jeopardy theme song!"
Because they might run out of "instant download packages" after a while, because files will totally wear out if you duplicate them endlessly...oh, wait.
Would this be a bad time to once again point out that they're charging money for a money-generating program? Why don't they just use it themselves instead of trying to sell it? There has to be an obvious explanation other than "con-artist bullshit", right?
I totally love redundancy, it's frigging totally lovably lovable.
Wow! A minute ago, it was going to be just $50 less than the full retail price! Is this some kind of new radionic math?
I guess $97 bucks (or maybe less than $57, depending on how you're doing your radionic math) counts as "nothing to lose". I'd ask SpellKaster's designer if he'll give ME $97 bucks since he considers it to be nothing, but he'd probably cast the "Sell Email Address To Endless Spammers" Spell on me.
What, there are non-malicious uses for the Misery and Retribution Spells?
Sanity Rating :
-320 points (bonus points for sheer outrageousness of claims)
(Oh, no! Now that you have my name, please don't cast the Retribution Spell on me!)