Alleee and Franc's
INSOLITOLOGY

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Voodoo Magick Box



We don't tend to get any crackpots on our spam. Most spam sites are just too cookie-cutter and exploitative to be of any worth. But there are always exceptions. When Voodoo Magick Box arrived in my inbox, I just had to check out their page. I was not dissapointed.


Voodoo Magick Box

Voodoo Magick Box is
only for luscious, sexy girls !
Cutesy misspelling of "magic". Okay... Whoa ! Look at those ladies !

Allright, I should mention right away that this web site is obviously oriented towards the young sexing market. It is nothing less than "the future of digital pleasure".

First, what is the Magick Box ? Well. You see, it's a box with clips and "contact gel" and the pleasure is achieved by... actually, it turns out that the site does not want to tell you how it works. Even the FAQ is aggressively vague on the question "How does it work?" :

The Voodoo Magick Box is based on a tiny embedded computer. Developed from existing medical technology, the unit is a safe method of combatting stress. Until now this science was only found in hospitals and treatment centers. Voodoo Machine has introduced this product for recreational use.

The brain produces natural chemicals like serotonin and dopamine to increase feelings of relaxation and pleasure. Therapy of this nature has been observed by researchers to increase production of these substances.


Therapy "of this nature" ? What nature ? No therapy at all was explained in the first place.

Well, it's not too difficult to add one and one. They sell "contact gel" replacement, which means it must go somewhere. It is probably the only thing that can also cause the "pleasure". Me and Alleee, we think it's laced with drugs, and probably illegal. Don't tell the FDA.

Illegal drugs are a small price to pay for what it does anyway. According to the front page, it can "Enhance Sexual Performance", it is a "Non-Addictive Narcotic Substitute" (see ?), "Relaxation and Relief from Stress", "Relieve Depression and Anxiety", "Fight Insomnia" and "Improve Memory and Concentration". Which explains why the basic unit is 70$ (!), the dual unit is 100$ (!!) and the group unit is 170$ (!!!).

Voodoo Magick is HOT ! It also
makes you look angry while
kissing, and is probably laced
with illegal drugs. Woo !
Why are they so expensive ? After all, it's just a little box with clips and globs of illegal drugs, right ? Well, the "Voodoo Machine Webmaster Program", which permits people to sell boxes on a personalized page, lists pay-outs for each type of unit. The payouts are 24$, 34$ and 64$ respectively. If they can afford to give away about 30% of the price only in pay-outs, how grossly overinflated is their final price ? At least they discourage spamming. The affiliate that sent us the spam was closed the next day.

Their affiliates also detail the target market for these boxes :

We have a selection of attention grabbing banners targeting the adult-market, the drug-culture, techies, ravers, cyberpunks, and more.

Someone forgot to tell them that people of this type don't tend to have 170$ to pay for a "Magick Hookah". The "Magick Hookah". Yes.

At least they know their market, and go for the gold : the "hot hot sexings" market. This time the FAQ is more helpful :

Sex is taken to a whole new level with the use of the Magick Box! Floating sensations, euphoric endorphin release, and feelings of intoxication all work together to enrich your sexual experiences. The relaxation effects of the Voodoo Magick Box may help relieve performance anxiety and improve your ability to perform sexually. Many users report having stronger orgasms, and relief from impotence, vaginal dryness, and more!

Likewise, the people in the "Buzz" section - personal testimonies - are really enthusiastic about how much Magick Box has helped their sex life.

"My lover and I have been using the Voodoo Magick Box during love-making for about a month now. We both just love how it enhances our sex. I feel like I'm flying! My orgasms are so much more intense! We've been going at it like bunnies almost every night since we first tried it. Keep it up, guys! You are awesome!" Nikki T., Vancouver, BC

From this point of view, the units seem more... sinister. What is the group unit for, orgies ?

Voodoo is not just to pin needles
in people anymore. It's also for
hot sexings !
Perhaps the most interesting page on the site is the "Voodoo" page. There you can learn about the emissaries of the Voodoo Gods, and what sacrifices to use to appease them. Here I thought religion and commerce did not mix. But voodoo must be "in".

The Orishas are divine beings. They are the emissaries of the Voodoo Gods. They rule over the forces of nature and the endeavors of humanity. They recognize themselves and are recognized through their different numbers and colors which are their marks and through their sigils which are illustrated below. Each has their own favorite foods and other things that they like to receive as offerings and gifts.

There are six Orishas, each with their own area of influence and sacrifices.

  • THE IBEYI, OR SACRED TWINS TAEBO AND KAINDE : Twin sons of Chango and Oshun, they cause luck in gambling and money matters. "[T]he supplicant creates an altar to the twins with the figures of two identical boys. Then a party is thrown in their honor, with cake, ice cream, and anything else that children would like. This can take the form of an actual party with other guests if appropriate".

  • CHANGO : Brings luck (edging in the business of his sons, is he ?), love, strength and sexual prowess. He likes to get drunk. Obviously the rowdy one in the voodoo pantheon. "His usual offerings include the sweetest, reddest apples that can be found, pomegranates, and palm oil. Among the birds he prefers as blood offerings are roosters, turkey, and quail. He also accepts turtles". Obviously a discerning emissary.

    Ogun's symbol. He is
    a war-god, and likes
    sabers, triangles,
    and flames.
  • OSHUN : Used in love spells and acquiring wealth (she's edging in her sons' business too, I see). "Offerings or spells done in her honor are especially effective if done at a river or stream".

  • OGUN : A roman soldier who is obviously lost in his pantheons, Ogun is the war-god, lord of iron, lord of tools and weapons, and patron of all competitions. He obviously has nice skin, since he bathes in blood. "For ordinary offerings he is fond of cigars and rum and his altar is decorated with miniature weapons and tools". Obviously a man of wordly pleasures.

  • OCHOSI, THE HUNTER : Helps in alertness and perception, legal situations, and to hurt enemies. "His offerings are toasted corn, palm oil, all game fowl, and corn meal".

  • YEMANJA : Sea goddess, she rules over the ocean and fertility. "As offerings she accepts many types of fruits, especially watermelon. For animal offerings, pigeons and live fish and crustaceans are most easily obtainable".
Each emissary has a little invocation you must use. For example, here is the one for Ogun :

Ogun, Ogun, de Timbire
Ogun de mana Zambe dao Luanda
As aves cantam quando ele vem
de Aruanda
Trazendo pemba para salvar filhos
de Unbanda
Oh japones, olha as costas do mar
Oh japones, olha as costas do mar.


Seeing that page is like listening to someone talking about the problem of spam on low-bandwidth networks, and then suddently starting to read a porn story. It's really jarring. And they really missed out on putting lurid pictures of the emissaries.

Some quotes from a discussion about the Voodoo Magick Box :

"I ordered one 4 weeks ago. Still has not arrived."

"Hey, you know what rocks? Shoving a copper a rod up your butt and gripping an iron one in your mouth, then standing outside, in an open field in the middle of a thunder storm and screaming into the sky "I HATE YOU BABY JESUS!""

"MANUFACTURING COSTS
VOODOO MAGICK BOX
_____________________
Gel..........................25 cents
Battery in Plastic Box..30 cents
Ear lobe clip..............25 cents
Assembly..................10 cents
-----------------------------
.................Total......90 cents
PROFIT............$98.10 cents

Not a bad scheme.

Do you notice they are targeting drug users? That's pretty clever too. Drug users will spend money for any believed "high" and have probably already destroyed enough brain cells so as to find the box feasible."

"Ok so, does this work, has anyone actually recieved one, i ordered one about 2 months ago and the company tells me that it will show up, but their stock is on backorder, so that must mean that like a ton of people have ordered this product.... Can anyone tell me if it works, or if they have even got it?? im so frustrated right now!!!!!!!!!"



Hacking the Voodoo Magick Box

A site by a hacker group called "Hack Canada". They have two articles - one is a user's review of the MVB, and another is an "alternative electrode design".



review written by Franc, 09/2002, last updated 12/2002.

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