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Life Technology



Perhaps the most entertaining of the paranormal bunch are the people who set out to sell preposterous products on the Internet for outrageous prices. There is truly no end to this kind of madness- if you couch your rocks or vials of coloured water in enough New Agey terms and twisty considerations, you can sell them for hundreds of dollars with no problem. But there is one site in particular that breaks our Sanity Meter repeatedly with no shame whatsoever: Life Technology.

Advance Mind Body And Soul Through Life Technology™. Life Technology™ is the leading researcher in the fields of Alternative Health, Alternative Therapies, Rife, Radionics, Psychotronics, Psionics, Homeopathy, Alchemy, Subtle Energy Therapies, Metaphysics, Spiritual Technologies, Ormus, Orgonomy, Free Energy and related areas of Alternative Science.

Don't you love amateurs who cram their title bar and meta tags full of these terms? By the way, if you don't know what half of these terms mean, you're not alone. Reading this review, or their site for that matter, won't improve things. It's meant for people who "get it." The makers of this store subscribe to the Kent Hovind theory that "the more bullshit you can cram, the better." To quote them in their own words:

Life Technology ™ was established in 1993 as a holistic therapies practice with the aim to conduct research into several related fields of subtle energy medicine. Our aim is to evaluate new treatment methods in vibrational energy medicine and to further develop and evolve these healing technologies. Our vision is to enhance the quality of human life through adoption of safe, natural and effective holistic therapies. Our mission is to improve human health through the application of innovative subtle energy technologies.

Oh Mighty Tesla, protect
me from the evil EMF
radiation with your
wonderful violet talisman!
So you might want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I mean, it sounds pretty inoffensive right? Of course, they don't really mention that all the "research" they do is "research" what new claptrap they can get away with. To wit, please look at the item at the right. I did not choose this on purpose: this is the first item in their store. It's a little plastic pendant. They call it the Tesla Purple Energy Shield™. They sell this piece of crap for $89.95. No, I did not just make a typo. Almost a hundred dollars. In explaining how it works, they manage to name-drop or join such diverse areas of crackpottery as:
  • Nikolai Tesla- with pictures and vague mentions of things he believed in, including...
  • ... the "luminiferous ether", which is some kind of "primary substance."
  • Vibrations and resonance- apparently the Energy Shield is some kind of "personal oscillator." Note that the energy field of an "unenlightened" person (i.e. one who does not have the presence of mind of shelling out 100$ for an Energy Shield) vibrates at 25 000 cycles per second, while that of the enlightened vibrates at 90 000- 95 000 cycles per second. Why this has any relevance is not explained.
  • Kirlian photography.
  • Chi, Prana AND Orgon are the "fundamental energy of the universe."
  • Tachyons and "tachyon fields." Apparently tachyons can be slowed down by coating an aluminium plate with oxide, although it is not explained how this can slow down something that goes faster than light.
  • Rubies "give energy."
  • "Free energy."
  • The aura (which apparently can receive "information").
  • Radionics.
  • Synchronicity.
  • "Cleve Backster's Primary Cell."
  • "DNA repair."
  • All in a row: astral projection, lucid dreaming, pendulums, chakra, aura balancing, distant healing, radiesthesia and dowsing.
  • The "Ascended Master Saint Germain" (Church Universal and Triumphant, anyone?)
  • "Energized water" makes plants grow faster.
  • All in a row: sacred geometry, zero-point energy, orgonomy, superconductivity, "harmonic frequencies of light."
  • Psychics and clairvoyants.
  • "[A] special Ethero-Magnetic™ caduceus orgone generating coil which utilises the magickal and sacred 'lost cubit' measurement, a meaurement so profound that its precise value can not be found in ancient or modern literature." (!)
That makes about thirty of them, some just mentioned, some expounded in paragraph after paragraph. And this is not even the most egregious example. Their basic approach is to shoot these concepts one after another, sometimes combining them together in new and unexpected ways. It's so ridiculous that writing a review of their site seems rather superfluous. Here are some examples from the Energy Shield:

The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ will support the immune system and physical healing (e.g. headaches, cuts, wounds, fractures etc.) Burns, cuts, aches and pains involve a sudden change to the normal vibration rate of tissue. The theory behind the healing properties is that the energy from The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ helps to accelerate the healing and thus return the injured area to its normal rate of vibration.
(...)
The device incorporates a special Ethero-Magnetic™ caduceus orgone generating coil which utilises the magickal and sacred 'lost cubit' measurement, a meaurement so profound that its precise value can not be found in ancient or modern literature. Only select few individuals and scientists are aware of its actual value.
(...)
The Lost Cubit has a natural resonant frequency of 177 megacycles and in some as yet unknown manner, assists the user in changing his DNA at will, and thus turning on the "longevity" gene. This may be why there are no records of the length and function of the "Lost" cubit.


I'm sure you are dying to learn whether the Tesla Purple Energy Shield™actually works. According to one Joshua P. Warren, of "L.E.M.U.R. Paranormal Investigations", the Energy Shield actually works, or at least it makes some people feel weird and produces a bigger Kirlian aura, so it must be doing SOMETHING. So saith his review:

After receiving the device and placing it around my neck, I didn't feel anything remarkable. However, two of my test subjects had extreme reactions. One felt completely energized, saying he could feel an almost electrical force beaming through his body, revitalizing him. The other subject had an overpowering sensation of negativity, and removed the device after 10 minutes or so.
(...)
When the pendant was being worn, the electrical discharge [from a Kirlian analysis] seemed stronger, brighter, and thicker. I cannot explain why wearing a pendant should create these effects.


Well, that proves it. Whatever "it" is...

Anyway, to come back to our subjects, I could write an entire page on the Energy Shield page alone, but it's starting to make me sick, so moving along... Beyond the Energy Shield and into the mass of other ridiculous products on the site, you can also read about:
  • The Hyperdimensional Oscillator™, a "Technology To Access Other Dimensions Of Spacetime" (it's the Energy Shield painted orange)
  • The Miraculous Kabbalah Talisman ™, which "will enable you to confront and overcome every conceivable obstacle to your divine right of happiness" (it's the Energy Shield painted dark red)
  • The Kabbalah Manifesting Crystal™, given by Archangel Mikhail, and "charged and programmed using The Solis Method™", once again for 90 dollars (it's a little quartz crystal you can get for five dollars at any crystal store)
  • The Atlantean Power Crystal™, which "was the center of the Atlantean culture" (it's the same tiny quartz crystal again- it sure goes around!). According to them, this is their best-selling product. Maybe it's the whole Atlantis thing.
  • The Psychotronic Money Magnet™, which "super-connects our consciousness to the source of all abundance." It's our friend the quartz again! There's also a "Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Ultra Advanced Version 1.0" and a "Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Ultra Advanced Version 1.0 Micro", which are bigger and smaller quartz crystals respectively.
  • The Grail Stone™, which "contains the essence of shunyata, the vast emptiness (which contains all potentiality), stretching in all directions, absolutely clear, pristine and radiant." (it's the Energy Shield painted green)
    Rather shoddy looking, if
    you ask me. Would you pay
    ninety dollars?
  • The Cayce Stone of Power™, which helps you attain "mastery of bread baking, piano playing, or Spirit itself." (it's a tiny lapis gem)
  • The Lakhovsky Coil Power Bracelet ™, which "reinforces the aura by calibrating the energy present in nature and transmitting it to the person wearing it." See right.
  • The Lakhovsky Coil Micro Antenna™, which "was originally discovered and used by Georges Lakhovsky to reinforce the aura of the user by calibrating the energy present in nature and transmitting it via antenna to bio field of the person wearing it." (it's the Energy Shield painted blue)
Then there is a page of somewhat less interesting mineral products and water (30 dollars for 10 mL- that means an average one liter water bottle would cost 3000 dollars!). But by far the most expensive product on this site is The Ark ™, "[t]he most powerful metaphysical tool ever created." And it'll only set you back 500 dollars:

It's a box.
With dials on it.
By developing and building on the many hours of serious academic research carried out by pioneers in the field of radionics and radiesthesia ,we have designed and created a modern day version of the fabled 'Ark Of The Covenant' ,which has been alleged by several serious researchers to have been a psychotronic device, ie an advanced mind controlled machine capable of harnessing and directing human intent. It is an established historical fact that Moses, the overseer of the creation of the original 'Ark Of The Covenant' was a high initiate into the esoteric science of the Egyptian priesthood who were claimed to have received their technological secrets from their predecessors, The atlanteans.
(...)
The Ark therefore is an advanced modern day radionics wishing machine designed to allow the user to direct his prayer or intent to the heart of the cosmos, altering the subtle structure of the microcosmic universe in the process, which ultimately leads to real tangible change in the macrocosmic universe.(everyday material world) The Ark is a device of incredibly profound power and allows the user to harness his divine creative abilities to become a cosmic co-creator with all the responsibility that the role brings.


This page is more of a quality over quantity thing, as they don't waste too much time bullshitting you. If you're gullible enough, that part is good enough to make you shell out 500 bucks.

As if this wasn't enough, they have a whole section devoted to explaining radionics. Apparently, radionics is not, you know, a form of quackery that was popular at the turn of the century. No! It works by (what else?) quantum physics. Make sure to stop at their blog for more stream-of-consciousness nonsense, and check out the testimonials (which are ostensibly from "real customers", although none of them have any names attached to them, making this the most dubious testimonials page ever):

hello!!

Waouu your products are very very good!

my libido is crazy, and i feel well ...etc !!

 

I was wearing The Hyperdimensional Oscillator when my husband and I were seeing clients at an out of town location. The store owner is a psychic and was enthralled with its energy. He had used it as a pendulum asking for it to circle to the degree of how much his guide liked it. The pendant was at a full swing standing straight out. The psychic just kept saying, this is the real thing !!!...

 

...Hold the Tesla Purple Energy Shield in your left hand (energy enters the body on the left side) and tell it to deprogram the microchips. I use Rich Work's microchip proclamation on page 190 in his book The Veils of Illusion. This is another must read book for all you consciousness warriors out there. Your thoughts truly create your world, YOUR THOUGHT ENERGY IS THE MOST POWERFUL ENERGY IN THE UNIVERSE! The proclamation: From the Divine Love within my Being. I proclaim all devices I receive with or without my permission, past, present or future as far as those energies extend, on all level of consciousness, forming separation, distortion, illness or illusion within my Being, be transmuted into the divine expression of Creative Love and returned to creator source to be used only as a positive, productive energy in peace, joy and harmony for all. I proclaim my free-will choice. I claim dominion over my mind, body and soul. And so it is...

Hi I received the item today. Hmmm should have waited one more day hum. I just wanted to tell you that when I put this talisman on I became very light headed and numb to the bone. I am still in a kind of floating experience. You are not kidding this is serious and powerful.

Thank you and I will be doing business with you again. This is very, very powerful and I need Divine assistance at this time.

Grace and peace,

Charlotte

 



The mindset of someone who buys once of these pieces of crap must be pretty adrenalin-pumped. When you pay a hundred dollars or more, you can't really admit to yourself that you made a bad choice. And you already believe, you expect to feel incredible things. Is it no wonder that they feel something, anything? Even people who review it for free have strong reactions, just on belief. This ritualized kind of action is the same thing that makes religion seem "special". It's just rocks and a little plastic tube.


Al Sicherman: Uncle Al finds a deeply scientific way to get rich

"Uncle Al" buys a Psychotronic Wishing Machine, wonders how many wishes he can get from them, if he could plug them in parallel, and expects untold riches. All in good humour of course.


Metaphysics (the bad kind)

"Dan" from the blog "Doing Things with Words" discusses the wonders of the "H2X™ Scalar Wave Activated Water", the "Lifetech Elixir of Life™", and "Vir-X™."


You’ve GOT To Be Shitting Me

"Gary", from the blog "Fleen", looks at the "Tesla Purple Energy Shield™" page and finds it rather deficient.



Sanity Rating :

-350 points (while they are technically quite sane, their prose attains a considerable level of crackpottery)




review written by Franc, 09/2006.

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