Alleee and Franc's
INSOLITOLOGY

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Bears_Den



This is not really a site to analyze, but more of a site to gawk at, like an accident on the side of the road. I'm afraid that mere text cannot really communicate how bad, extensive, and animated it all is. But I'll try.

Can you imagine what kind of web site a great-grandmother would write ? Crammed full of really bad animated gifs, form boxes that don't scroll, prayers, poems, and all that shit ? Well there's pages and pages of it at...

Bears_Den

The front page helpfully tells us who is responsible for this atrocity.

"Mabear" and "Pabear".
Approach with caution.
Shirley, whom is mabear..was born in Minnesota in 1945. She has degrees in Computers, Business Law, Legal Secretary, Business Management, and is Licensed to operate before the Internal Revenue Service. Currently she is newly retired.

Bob, whom is pabear..was born in Minnesota in 1948. He has degrees in Engineering, Paralegal, Business Management, and is licensed to operate before the Internal Revenue Service. And, has been an Evangelical Evangelist for over 25 years.

The bears have three daughters, six grandchildren and one son (whom is with the Lord awaiting our return).

My husband, has ministered and does minister even now to Friars, Brothers, Ministers and even sometimes Priests. He is a Biblical Theologian and has written numerous writings and articles on the scriptures.


"And the Lord said, yea, thou shalt putteth a shitload of crappy animated gifs on thy web site, yea, to piss off all the modem users and irrirateth the hell out of everyone else. Thou shalt also structure your site as little as possible, making it a jumbly mess of links that are impossible to visualize without a few hits of LSD. Amen"

Basically a cross between the rambling style of Gene Ray and the web design aptitude of Richard Tooley, Shirley and Bob give us, as a first page, a giant image of a bear, a prayer, instructions in size 10 caps, and somehow improbably, at the complete bottom :

2001 AWARD
FOR DESIGN.......

PRESENTED BY.
GRAPHIC DESIGN INCORPORATED
NEW YORK,NY.
BEST NEW SITE


Some research, however, reveals that no "Graphic Design Inc." exists in New York, let alone a page with other winners of this "award". The insistance on the idea that their web site won many awards, seen throughout, is perhaps the most singularily laughable part of the site. But you have to admire their enterprising spirit : if you can't win 'em, find a crappy animated gif and fake 'em.

If you mean
"adult" as in
"mature",
definitely.

By the way, the
icon makes no
sense. It looks
like the parents
are taking the
children AWAY,
thus warning
AGAINST the
web site.
Good thinking.
If you still had a good impression of animated gifs before today, now you don't - I don't state that as a hope or a prediction but as an ironclad fact.

At this point in the review, the site has broken its allocated data transfer. Golly gee ! I can't imagine why : not with the hundreds of bandwidth-pulverising animated gifs that are littered every pixel foot. Being on Geoshitties (as it is affectionately called) can't help. If the images on this page are broken, they've probably broken Geoshitties again.

Well, it's back now, so I have to keep going. I don't really want to, but thats life. In insolitology as in anything, you have to take the good with the bad (although in the case of insolitology, it's more like "the bad with the very bad").

The utter tediousness of drudging through page after page of this is broken by the "Bear Cave System", which is Mabear and Pabear's way of saying "instead of just making a linear site, we're going to make a site so confusing that you'll never find anything, but that's ok since the entire site is just random animated gifs that will give you a headache". Basically, each "cave" is a series of links that lead to horribly bad humour or a bunch of unscrollable boxes. As far as I can discern, there is one cave for Mabear and one for Pabear, and other caves for other things, such as a "memorial" page.

Mabear's cave is... dammit, the site exceeded bandwidth again. As Q-Bert would say. @*%@* ! (it means "fuck this"). I am not going to waste another hour to wait for this site again. Do check out, however, the recipes on page 8, with names like "vinagar pie", "earthquake cake" and "monkey bread".


BEAR CAVE SYSTEM....OF INTERACTIVE CAVES

This is actually a list of more links of sites made by these people, including the "HONEY CAVE STORAGE", a disturbing black site full of flying bees and wiggling bears, "PABEARS ART WORK", which details all the books he wrote, including "Hray-Mah Jesus Christ is Coming!", and "Wolf the Talking Dog", a pomeranian which doesn't really talk.








Sanity Rating :

-180 points (apart from being Christian fundamentalists, anyone who made such a site can't be quite right in the head)




review written by Franc, 02/2005.

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