Alleee and Franc's
INSOLITOLOGY

Back to the front page

Daryl "Shawn" Kabatoff



I realize there is a big difference between crazy and insane. Alleee and I sometimes say that someone or something is insane, but we don't mean they are clinically insane. I'm afraid I am crossing that line now. Daryl Kabatoff is really insane, but that won't prevent me from laughing at him.

Let's start at the beginning, then. Kabatoff is a guy who posts extensively every day on Usenet - so extensively that no one bothers to reply to him anymore. He lives in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. He thinks that churches have penises on their roof, that we worship trees, and passes the time by using Biblica numerology on waitresses.

We don't know much about Kabatoff (apart from his address, which he has thoughtfully provided us - Box 7134, S7K 4J1), so his emails will have to speak for him...

Thursday December 5th 2002 339/26 16727

I generally wear my hair in a ponytail, today I put the ponytail up higher than I ever did before and then went out in search for my future wife, or some damn thing like that. Nearing noon I returned to the food court in the Midtown Plaza, during the noon hour Callie came and sat at the next table over and provided stats, she is the managerette of the bedding department of Sears. She was wearing her hair up in a high ponytail, which I liked. She worked in the bedding department and her parents are both older than me, these are flavorababble signs.

82+ Dad 29 9 46 272/93 +3794

82+ Mom 15 7 53 196/169 +1313

148 Callie 12 3 82 71/294 9154
Callie 42 Rae 24 Chartier 82

82+ Sis 21 6 85 172/193 10351

Callie is about 4 feet 10 and a half inches tall, she is 58 inches tall (the 7 primes up to 17), she has 17 letters. The kids were born on days 71 and 172 these are the 20th prime and the 133rd non-primes, together for 153 (1 through 17 and is the 117th non-prime). The little sister was born in 85 (5x17 and is the 17th prime plus the 17th non-prime), Ruth with 85 verses is the 17th shortest chapter in the Bible. The kids were born in years adding to the 167 verses of Book 17 (the 7 primes in prime positions up to the 17th prime). The parents were born on days and in months and years adding to 159 (ends in the 17th prime, is the 618 verses of Book 7 short of 777, is the 7x7th prime minus the 7x7th non-prime)...

(from alt.religion.christian.adventist, alt.religion.christian.roman-catholic, alt.dear.whitehouse, can.general, alt.math.recreational. read the complete post)

That was a sample of his numerological analysis (a very short sample, believe me - his emails go on and on forever). Apparently, he believes that our names were given to us by God, and tries to get the personal information of enough waitresses to find some kind of theory. A number of people have pointed out to him that he's breaching people's privacy by posting their personal information, but he doesn't seem to mind.

For those of you who like reading newsgroup posts on Google, here is our friend's complete posting history so far, from Waxy.org :

  • January 27, 1999 to July 5, 2000 as Catsco@home.com
  • December 9, 2000 to May 4, 2001 as s.kabatoff@sk.sympatico.ca
  • Oct 30, 2001 to Oct 31, 2001 as kabatoff@the.link.ca
  • January 20, 2002 to April 17, 2002 as s_kabatoff@hotmail.com (original posts have been removed from Google Groups archive)
  • April 26, 2002 to Present as dar_kabatoff@hotmail.com

    Kabatoff is also quite explicit about his mental problems. He thinks everyone wants him dead and in the asylum, because he preaches the truth about churches having penises on their roofs :

    ... they shut down my brain with an injection that blocks the hemispheres from communicating. My brain pounds in pain. My skin gets hard and dry, my hair falls out. My jaw gets locked in a half open position, my tongue is dry and my speech is nearly unintelligible. Shortly after my arrest and then again at the three weeks mark I am wheeled before a panel of middle class Protestants and Catholics, and they side with the Hindu psychiatrist and agree that I am religiously deluded to believe that they are bowing to trees and have dinks on the roofs of their churches, and that their churches are censoring Scriptural references to cannibalism. At some appeal panel hearings I am drugged so heavily that I do not know that I am even there. At the end of six weeks I am given a last depot drug injection and released into my parent's basement, and I am left in a state of horror and impotent for months after my release. At the last appeal panel hearing (just after the NDP legislated even more of my rights away), my Hindu pronounced that I was no longer schizophrenic but now psychotic, and in need of continual "treatment" for the rest of my life, rather leaving me yet more frantic to find people with the compassion to assist me to leave the country. With my brain pounding in pain, Ruby will exclaim in a high pitched voice how much better I am ("Oh!!! You are soooo much better now!!!"), I will tell Sam that I am left impotent and he will say not to worry as he can't get it up either. Ruby will harp at me day after day after day to abandon my work on numbers and go help my brother, who has opened his doors up to native spirituality and Hinduism, and when I express anger at the absolute shit that pours out of Ruby's God-damned mouth, she will say that I am getting sick again and should be returned for "treatment." And what the Sunday Christians generally do for me when I complain of the "treatment" is that they generally phone the police and complain that I am speaking nonsense, and try to have me arrested again and "treated" again. Tessa has heard my testimony, but watch her continue embracing her pagan traditions, she will continue to have great respect for people who attend churches with dinks on their roofs, she will continue to have great respect for people who attend churches with symbols of the sun built into their architecture and ceremonies. You people destroy my life and then can't even buy me a God-damned pen after doink hours of work on your stats, any effort of mine to criticize churches and you close your ears and claim you are saved so don't have to listen to any of it (try First Corinthians 10:12). I want Tessa in my bed or I want Tessa dead... I was madly in love with Tessa Smith. She is a heartless piece of shit like the rest of you, her love is for traditions and not for the Word of God. Likely she has heard many testimony's of God's Sabbath not being Sunday but she cares little because her friends hold that day special. Go to your penis whoreshipping heaven Tessa (go to fucking hell).
    (from alt.dear.whitehouse. read the complete post)

    I showed mom and Carly some patterns, where do we go from here, mom asked? Well, I said that obelisks are Egyptian representations of penises, and that the obelisks at the Vatican, the Whitehouse, in front of Saskatoon City Hall and the penis poster poles on Broadway Ave. are representations of dinks, you people responded by repeatedly arresting and torturing me, by erecting additional penis poster poles on Broadway Ave. and by erecting representations of dinks along 20th Street, so why don't you build a big dink and place it on your front lawn?
    (from alt.teens.advice, alt.culture.hawaii, soc.culture.korean. read the complete post)

    He is also very, very concerned that we don't drink enough water :

    Buildings and trains around the world are crumbling and crashing, and your livestock are falling to disease, but it is only because they are not drinking enough water. You arseholes are ridiculous, you get together and pay me reparations for torture. You people have collectively spent many millions of dollars having me "treated" and are too God-damned cheap to even offer to buy me a pen. I continue crying out to God against you people, I want you people dead. You are being smitten with plagues pretty much as often as I desire (Revelation 11:6) and are too stupid to realize it. You people are pieces of shit being spread out like dung on the surface of the earth.
    (from sci.math. read the complete post)

    Collecting Mail For The Coming Anti-Christ

    The SubGenius have archived one of his emails for posterity. Apparently, he knows a whole lot about the Anti-Christ, and is even ready to help him find brides.

    And in some cultures it is permitted for a woman to show off her breasts, if you are a nubile sweety and are wanting to marry the Anti-Christ so that you can become one of his 7 Queens (maybe 17 Queens if we can dig up another Isaiah manuscript) then you might consider showing off your breasts in the photograph to insure that you are noticed, and I think that I have the Spirit of The Lord with me when I say that (1 Cor 7:40).

    arc-t Twitlist - August 2002 (Usenet post)

    Kabatoff was twitted by alt.religion.christian-teen in August 2002. To get twitted by Christian teens, that's just awful.





    UPDATE : New email addresses, new wacky posts

    Apparently Kabatoff has been having email account problems, or he doesn't want people to email him anymore. His address in the newsgroups keeps changing wildly.

    Also, he seems to be trying to sell lots of things like fur coats or computers. Why does he claim to be poor ? Did he steal all those things ? Apparently, he's now looking for people who lost children, so he can show them how wrong they were in making them erect phalluses on their roofs :

    > Do you have two or more children that have tragically passed away? I will
    > show you mathematical evidence that God provided these dead kids with names
    > that are in mathematical harmony with their birthdays, both are gifts from
    > God and are coming from the same source, and so there should be
    > relationships. In exchange for my work, please send me the following:
    >
    > For Two Dead Kids:
    > 1) Asus P4T533-R motherboard with a i850e chipset
    > 2) 512MB of 32 bit PC1066 rambus ram
    > 3) A 2.4GHz P4 CPU
    >
    > For Two Dead Kids (alternative system):
    > 1) Intel i850e mATX board (model D850EMD2 with USB 2.0 and CNR slot)
    > 2) 512MB of 16 bit PC1066 rambus ram
    > 3) A 2.4GHz P4 CPU
    >
    > For Three Dead Kids:
    > 1) Asus P4T533-R motherboard with a i850e chipset
    > 2) 512MB of 32 bit PC1066 rambus ram
    > 3) A 3GHz P4 CPU
    > 4) Two 80GB Seagate Barracuda Hard Drives
    > 5) A "Good" AGP Video Card
    > 6) A 15 inch flat panel
    >
    > For Four Dead Kids:
    > 1) Asus P4T533-R motherboard with a i850e chipset
    > 2) 512MB of 32 bit PC1066 rambus ram
    > 3) A 3GHz P4 CPU
    > 4) Two 80GB Seagate Barracuda Hard Drives
    > 5) A "Good" AGP Video Card
    > 6) A 17 inch flat panel
    >
    > For For Three or Four Dead Kids (alternative system):
    > 1) Intel i850e mATX board (model D850EMD2 with USB 2.0 and CNR slot)
    > 2) 512MB of 16 bit PC1066 rambus ram
    > 3) A 3GHz P4 CPU
    > 4) Two 80GB Seagate Barracuda Hard Drives
    > 5) A "Good" AGP Video Card
    > 6) A 17 inch flat panel
    > 7) A PCI RAID card
    >
    > If the cost of the funerals proves to be too expenive for your meager
    > income, you may save money by sending me a Socket 478 i850 motherboard and a
    > cheaper P4 or Celeron CPU that has a 400 MHz front side bus, and delay
    > sending AGP video cards and hard drives at a later time, but keep in mind
    > that now that you have no or fewer kids to support, then it should be easier
    > for you to support me and my ministry in some way.

    (from houston.forsale. read the complete post)

    Someone recently made a parody post of Kabatoff's nonsense and is posting it in many places... read the complete post.



    review written by Franc, 12/2002, updated 06/2005.

  • Back to the front page